learning my lesson

God has taught me some serious stuff the past 2 years. its crazy because I had totally strayed from God for a good part of the last 2 years. a lot of people dont know that...I hid it to the best of my ability. I always played the part of the perfect christian. or at least I tried. I wore a mask. yet in that time and through that time i learned more then i had learned my entire life up to that point. and I didnt even realize it was happening. crazy how God has even used the times i stray from Him to teach me important lessons in my life.
last night I was having trouble sleeping again. I havent had that issue for a long time but this last week its been giving me problems again. my thoughts just wouldnt stop...they were running in every direction. so I started praying-and a lot of things hit me laying right there. I was thinking about all that we went through with our old church and the pain that came with it. and then it occured to me to thank God for that situation-not something you would normally hear. but it totally made sense at the time. and I am thankful that God put me through that trial. sure it was one of the most difficult times in my entire life but I learned ridiculous amounts because of it. I met my new group of friends. I ended up at bethel. I changed more into the person I want to be. And God was there for me through the whole thing despite me ignoring Him. and eventually he healed me in a big way. I am such a stronger person because of this. I had to encounter someone from my old church unexpectedly today, and I was able to look at Him without any pain. a few months ago just seeing him brought me to tears as i was reminded of all we went through. But now...Im healed. God brought me through this and made me a stronger person because of it, and because of that I was able to face him without even the slightest bit of pain. I was actually somewhat glad to see him-i spent a good amount of time praying for him last night, so it was a total God thing that he was in there today. I love when God does those things...drops those things in your life that others would refer to as a coincidence. but I know theyre from God.
along with that Ive learned a lot the past 2 years about being single. A friend of mine sent something she wrote about being single my way and when i read it it kind of put everything I've learned into perspective. Ive had a relationship and some near relationships but none of them have worked out to this point. I was ignoring God telling me i wasn't the person i needed to be yet...that i wasnt to the point i needed to be in my life..that it wasnt time. thank goodness God woke me up and I got out of all of these situations before they caused me a lot of pain. I had been resisting his voice. I wanted my way. I was being stubborn and trying to take control of an area of my life i had surrendered to him long ago. I didnt realize it at the time. but now I see. so i have just been waiting. waiting on Gods timing. waiting for me to be the person i need to be before im ready for a relationship. I'm fully giving Him control over that area of my life again. I know He wants the best for me. I want a Godly man who will encourage me in my walk with God. someone who strives to be like Christ. what better qualities could i ask for?

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything
James 1:2-4