Saturday, November 8, 2008
college
So I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want to go to school for and where I want to go. the deadline for the spring semester is coming up and I still haven't gotten anywhere-but the reason i haven't, I've come to realize, is that i don't want to go to Purdue cal. At least not now, at this point in my life. The only thing I have been sure of all along is that I want to learn more about the bible and ministry. So I started looking into online classes at moody and I'm currently in the process of applying there for biblical studies. It will only take me 2 years to get an associate degree, and I can continue to work and live at home for the time being. another thing is that once I get married and have kids (assuming that happens), I don't want to work anymore. I do however still want to be involved in ministry, so this seems like something that I will use my entire life whereas if I got a degree in business or something similar I would only use it until I had kids. So right now I am just praying about it a lot and still looking into other options although I think this is the most promising option I have had in over a year.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
learning my lesson
God has taught me some serious stuff the past 2 years. its crazy because I had totally strayed from God for a good part of the last 2 years. a lot of people dont know that...I hid it to the best of my ability. I always played the part of the perfect christian. or at least I tried. I wore a mask. yet in that time and through that time i learned more then i had learned my entire life up to that point. and I didnt even realize it was happening. crazy how God has even used the times i stray from Him to teach me important lessons in my life.
last night I was having trouble sleeping again. I havent had that issue for a long time but this last week its been giving me problems again. my thoughts just wouldnt stop...they were running in every direction. so I started praying-and a lot of things hit me laying right there. I was thinking about all that we went through with our old church and the pain that came with it. and then it occured to me to thank God for that situation-not something you would normally hear. but it totally made sense at the time. and I am thankful that God put me through that trial. sure it was one of the most difficult times in my entire life but I learned ridiculous amounts because of it. I met my new group of friends. I ended up at bethel. I changed more into the person I want to be. And God was there for me through the whole thing despite me ignoring Him. and eventually he healed me in a big way. I am such a stronger person because of this. I had to encounter someone from my old church unexpectedly today, and I was able to look at Him without any pain. a few months ago just seeing him brought me to tears as i was reminded of all we went through. But now...Im healed. God brought me through this and made me a stronger person because of it, and because of that I was able to face him without even the slightest bit of pain. I was actually somewhat glad to see him-i spent a good amount of time praying for him last night, so it was a total God thing that he was in there today. I love when God does those things...drops those things in your life that others would refer to as a coincidence. but I know theyre from God.
along with that Ive learned a lot the past 2 years about being single. A friend of mine sent something she wrote about being single my way and when i read it it kind of put everything I've learned into perspective. Ive had a relationship and some near relationships but none of them have worked out to this point. I was ignoring God telling me i wasn't the person i needed to be yet...that i wasnt to the point i needed to be in my life..that it wasnt time. thank goodness God woke me up and I got out of all of these situations before they caused me a lot of pain. I had been resisting his voice. I wanted my way. I was being stubborn and trying to take control of an area of my life i had surrendered to him long ago. I didnt realize it at the time. but now I see. so i have just been waiting. waiting on Gods timing. waiting for me to be the person i need to be before im ready for a relationship. I'm fully giving Him control over that area of my life again. I know He wants the best for me. I want a Godly man who will encourage me in my walk with God. someone who strives to be like Christ. what better qualities could i ask for?
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything
James 1:2-4
last night I was having trouble sleeping again. I havent had that issue for a long time but this last week its been giving me problems again. my thoughts just wouldnt stop...they were running in every direction. so I started praying-and a lot of things hit me laying right there. I was thinking about all that we went through with our old church and the pain that came with it. and then it occured to me to thank God for that situation-not something you would normally hear. but it totally made sense at the time. and I am thankful that God put me through that trial. sure it was one of the most difficult times in my entire life but I learned ridiculous amounts because of it. I met my new group of friends. I ended up at bethel. I changed more into the person I want to be. And God was there for me through the whole thing despite me ignoring Him. and eventually he healed me in a big way. I am such a stronger person because of this. I had to encounter someone from my old church unexpectedly today, and I was able to look at Him without any pain. a few months ago just seeing him brought me to tears as i was reminded of all we went through. But now...Im healed. God brought me through this and made me a stronger person because of it, and because of that I was able to face him without even the slightest bit of pain. I was actually somewhat glad to see him-i spent a good amount of time praying for him last night, so it was a total God thing that he was in there today. I love when God does those things...drops those things in your life that others would refer to as a coincidence. but I know theyre from God.
along with that Ive learned a lot the past 2 years about being single. A friend of mine sent something she wrote about being single my way and when i read it it kind of put everything I've learned into perspective. Ive had a relationship and some near relationships but none of them have worked out to this point. I was ignoring God telling me i wasn't the person i needed to be yet...that i wasnt to the point i needed to be in my life..that it wasnt time. thank goodness God woke me up and I got out of all of these situations before they caused me a lot of pain. I had been resisting his voice. I wanted my way. I was being stubborn and trying to take control of an area of my life i had surrendered to him long ago. I didnt realize it at the time. but now I see. so i have just been waiting. waiting on Gods timing. waiting for me to be the person i need to be before im ready for a relationship. I'm fully giving Him control over that area of my life again. I know He wants the best for me. I want a Godly man who will encourage me in my walk with God. someone who strives to be like Christ. what better qualities could i ask for?
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything
James 1:2-4
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
complaining, blessings, wants and needs, the bigger picture
So I was thinking on the way home about how much complaining i do. its ridiculous really.
I was thinking about how i need to change my view point on things from complaining, to praise. like my car-i complain all the time that my exhaust is falling off, that its gonna cost 300$ blah blah blah. really i should be praising God that I have a car that runs, that I have the money to buy a new exhaust, and that I have a dad who is a mechanic and saves me a ton of money everytime my car breaks. Or my job, I complain about the hours, and sometimes other aspects of it too, when i should be praising God that I have a job that provides me enough money to live on, and that I work for people who appreciate the work I do. My family, at times I'll complain about my parents-in all honesty, what teenager hasnt at one point or another? but my parents are amazing. I really have nothing to complain about when it comes to that. I am incredibly blessed by all the things God has given me in this life, and I so often take them for granted.
I think its human nature to not be happy when we dont get out way..but lets face it, like my older siblings had told me many many times as we were growing up "you dont always get what you want". It's so true. Something I've learned a lot about over the years is the difference between want and need. and sometimes even the difference between what we think we need and what God knows we need. for example, I was convinced that I needed a second job when i found out i needed all of that dental work back at the beginning of the year. I got a second job, but it wasnt really necessary. despite everything coming at me at once bill wise (new tires, losing dental insurance and other expenses) God kept providing. to this day I dont really know where the money came from. I dont keep the best track of my finances. but over and over again this year I've been learning to trust God more. He has provided for every single tight situation I have gotten myself into and I have come out growing in my relationship with Him because of it.
Which brings me to another point...situations God puts me in and the outcome of them. I've been learning lately that I need to just trust God when I am going through trials in my life. Trust Him with every part of my life. He knows what hes doing. clearly, I do not. after we left out old church I found myself getting bitter and often asking God why he had allowed this to happen to us. But now I've finally seen...through the situation our family has grown closer and stronger. we've all grown immensly in our relationships with christ. and now, I'm at bethel, with amazing friends who have already taught me a lot about Christ just by how they live their everyday lives. Plus, Im in the college age group there, and have been learning a lot of things. but its crazy how God puts everything together. Ive been going to bethel for 2 years but I was never really involved. God led me, allen, and angela to conservative cafe right around the same time. we've all worked together a lot and allen convinced me to come try out trademark. after being at bethel for 2 years, i finally got involved in things. had i not met allen and angela i probably never would have tried trademark, and i would still be struggling with the pain from the situation with our old church. plus, through going to trademark, God has provided me a place to meet christian friends to spend time with, since most of my friends from high school have gone away to college now.
basically, bottom line, God has been teaching me insane amounts of stuff lately, and Im just trying to process it all and apply it to my life. But one of my biggest things right now that im trying to apply, is to appreciate the things God has given me, and to praise him constantly.
I was thinking about how i need to change my view point on things from complaining, to praise. like my car-i complain all the time that my exhaust is falling off, that its gonna cost 300$ blah blah blah. really i should be praising God that I have a car that runs, that I have the money to buy a new exhaust, and that I have a dad who is a mechanic and saves me a ton of money everytime my car breaks. Or my job, I complain about the hours, and sometimes other aspects of it too, when i should be praising God that I have a job that provides me enough money to live on, and that I work for people who appreciate the work I do. My family, at times I'll complain about my parents-in all honesty, what teenager hasnt at one point or another? but my parents are amazing. I really have nothing to complain about when it comes to that. I am incredibly blessed by all the things God has given me in this life, and I so often take them for granted.
I think its human nature to not be happy when we dont get out way..but lets face it, like my older siblings had told me many many times as we were growing up "you dont always get what you want". It's so true. Something I've learned a lot about over the years is the difference between want and need. and sometimes even the difference between what we think we need and what God knows we need. for example, I was convinced that I needed a second job when i found out i needed all of that dental work back at the beginning of the year. I got a second job, but it wasnt really necessary. despite everything coming at me at once bill wise (new tires, losing dental insurance and other expenses) God kept providing. to this day I dont really know where the money came from. I dont keep the best track of my finances. but over and over again this year I've been learning to trust God more. He has provided for every single tight situation I have gotten myself into and I have come out growing in my relationship with Him because of it.
Which brings me to another point...situations God puts me in and the outcome of them. I've been learning lately that I need to just trust God when I am going through trials in my life. Trust Him with every part of my life. He knows what hes doing. clearly, I do not. after we left out old church I found myself getting bitter and often asking God why he had allowed this to happen to us. But now I've finally seen...through the situation our family has grown closer and stronger. we've all grown immensly in our relationships with christ. and now, I'm at bethel, with amazing friends who have already taught me a lot about Christ just by how they live their everyday lives. Plus, Im in the college age group there, and have been learning a lot of things. but its crazy how God puts everything together. Ive been going to bethel for 2 years but I was never really involved. God led me, allen, and angela to conservative cafe right around the same time. we've all worked together a lot and allen convinced me to come try out trademark. after being at bethel for 2 years, i finally got involved in things. had i not met allen and angela i probably never would have tried trademark, and i would still be struggling with the pain from the situation with our old church. plus, through going to trademark, God has provided me a place to meet christian friends to spend time with, since most of my friends from high school have gone away to college now.
basically, bottom line, God has been teaching me insane amounts of stuff lately, and Im just trying to process it all and apply it to my life. But one of my biggest things right now that im trying to apply, is to appreciate the things God has given me, and to praise him constantly.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
singlesness
one of the things God has been teaching me a lot lately is that I need to be patient with my singleness. I know I don't need a boyfriend to complete me, but every so often theres that longing for a relationship....But God has been reminding me that He is preparing me for whats to come, for my future husband. I need to be patient while God shapes me into the person I need to be for what lays ahead. Its hard to wait on Gods timing sometimes...it would be easier perhaps if he sent me a time frame of some sort, but God doesnt work that way. So I have been using this time to focus on what will always come first (or at least what should always come first) in my life, my relationship with Him. I need to be on the right track with God before I get into a relationship with someone. I need to be falling in love with God and putting Him first in my life.
It's good to finally be going in the right direction again. at least for now. Ive had many dry patches/ruts/lazy times/whatever you want to call them in my relationship with God and I know more are to come. but the most recent one was the longest ive ever been in-its been nearly 2 years since I've been in this good of a place in my relationship with Christ. and it feels amazing. Its changed my attitudes, the way I think about everything. I tend to filter my decisions and words through Christ more often now. But I'm also a total sinner, just like everyone else on this earth and I slip up often. I'm looking right now to work on my words...I've been trying to lift others up instead of putting them down. I find it extremely hard to not participate in gossip and slander sometimes...its one of my biggest struggles right now and I hate that it is. I always feel horrible as soon as im done. i need to be more careful with the words that come out of my mouth.
It's good to finally be going in the right direction again. at least for now. Ive had many dry patches/ruts/lazy times/whatever you want to call them in my relationship with God and I know more are to come. but the most recent one was the longest ive ever been in-its been nearly 2 years since I've been in this good of a place in my relationship with Christ. and it feels amazing. Its changed my attitudes, the way I think about everything. I tend to filter my decisions and words through Christ more often now. But I'm also a total sinner, just like everyone else on this earth and I slip up often. I'm looking right now to work on my words...I've been trying to lift others up instead of putting them down. I find it extremely hard to not participate in gossip and slander sometimes...its one of my biggest struggles right now and I hate that it is. I always feel horrible as soon as im done. i need to be more careful with the words that come out of my mouth.
Friday, August 15, 2008
change and learning
God has been teaching me a ton of stuff lately. Patience. Trust. Forgiveness. Encouragement. I could go on all day really....But to elaborate...I have been learning a lot about having patience when it comes to my future. I don't know where I'm going in life, simply that I'm going to be doing God's work, and its not going to be a simple journey or a small task. I have had this feeling for probably a couple years now that God is going to have me do some huge project...something that some people may not think is possible but I'm up to it. I know its gonna test me and stretch me but I am beyond excited to see whats in store for me and all the good that will eventually come out of it. I'm not here to just live my life as a good person and then die...no, God has me here for something big and I know it, theres no avoiding it anymore. now the only question is what that is and how I am going to get there....I have several ideas floating around in my head, none of which came from myself but from hearing others stories. I'm waiting on God's timing in that, I know He will show me the way when its time.
But now I am also being challenged in patience cause I am getting restless where I am. I'm eager to get to school, to start my education. I'm eager to move out on my own and experience new things...But I know its not quiet time for that either. So for now things will stay the same, if only for a few months.
God has taught me how to trust again. With the whole situation at my old church, I had completely lost trust in church leadership and I didnt know how to trust them anymore. at any church. But through hearing the story of a person who I now have great respect for, I realized there are still people out there who can be trusted. God taught me that I'm gonna have to learn to trust Him to protect me from those people who cant be trusted. and when they hurt me, I know he will heal me, hes already proven that.
this may sound just like a whole lot of rambling...but thats whats been going on in my head lately. God has been teaching me so much
I'm finally back on the right track. my thoughts have been more christ centered, along with my actions. Im not saying I'm anywhere near perfect, because I'm not. I screw up all the time. But I'm learning to filter my decisions and actions and thoughts and words through Christ first. And I'm being reminded constantly of how important time with Him is.
I cant even say how blessed I am....really, another thing God has been teaching me lately is to appreciate the blessings which he has given me. I have amazing Godly parents who love me. I have a good relationship with all of my siblings, who are also amazing Godly people and have been great examples to me all along. i wouldnt be the person i am today if it werent for them. And one of the latest blessings God has given me-all of my friends at Bethel. I cannot even tell you what a difference theyve all made in my life. I know God used them all in my life to help heal me and bring me out of the slump i was in when i was still hurting. I'm truly happy again (or about as happy as we can be here on earth)
I've been constantly reminding myself that this time on earth is just a fraction of our lives....we have eternity in heaven, and only a limited number of days here. in comparison, what does this time matter? we need to do the best we can here in serving God, because thats our only purpose here. we arent here to be rich or succesful. we are here to serve and love God.
But now I am also being challenged in patience cause I am getting restless where I am. I'm eager to get to school, to start my education. I'm eager to move out on my own and experience new things...But I know its not quiet time for that either. So for now things will stay the same, if only for a few months.
God has taught me how to trust again. With the whole situation at my old church, I had completely lost trust in church leadership and I didnt know how to trust them anymore. at any church. But through hearing the story of a person who I now have great respect for, I realized there are still people out there who can be trusted. God taught me that I'm gonna have to learn to trust Him to protect me from those people who cant be trusted. and when they hurt me, I know he will heal me, hes already proven that.
this may sound just like a whole lot of rambling...but thats whats been going on in my head lately. God has been teaching me so much
I'm finally back on the right track. my thoughts have been more christ centered, along with my actions. Im not saying I'm anywhere near perfect, because I'm not. I screw up all the time. But I'm learning to filter my decisions and actions and thoughts and words through Christ first. And I'm being reminded constantly of how important time with Him is.
I cant even say how blessed I am....really, another thing God has been teaching me lately is to appreciate the blessings which he has given me. I have amazing Godly parents who love me. I have a good relationship with all of my siblings, who are also amazing Godly people and have been great examples to me all along. i wouldnt be the person i am today if it werent for them. And one of the latest blessings God has given me-all of my friends at Bethel. I cannot even tell you what a difference theyve all made in my life. I know God used them all in my life to help heal me and bring me out of the slump i was in when i was still hurting. I'm truly happy again (or about as happy as we can be here on earth)
I've been constantly reminding myself that this time on earth is just a fraction of our lives....we have eternity in heaven, and only a limited number of days here. in comparison, what does this time matter? we need to do the best we can here in serving God, because thats our only purpose here. we arent here to be rich or succesful. we are here to serve and love God.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
forgiveness....bitterness...some other stuff
I don't think I will ever understand forgiveness like I want to.
It's crazy...when I was younger forgiveness was so simple.
Now its at times difficult and complex.
I'm learning the importance of forgiveness, especially in those difficult situations. I am still trying to forgive some people for things that happened directly and indirectly to me years ago. The fact that these people hurt my family as well as myself makes it that much harder to forgive them. But its all the more important to forgive them because by not forgiving them I become bitter. I've been denying/avoiding it for some time now but its time to stop.
Confrontation has never been one of my strong points. its probably one of my weakest points actually.
For brothers and sisters in Christ I think it should be more common to confront each other. to call each other out on sin. to hold each other accountable. instead of getting offended when others call us out on this i think we should be thankful. thankful that we have people who care enough to want the best for us. people who help us to strive to be more like Christ.
I also have some major issues with my temper.
I'm quick to yell at another driver on the road who does something i don't like.
I'm quick to become angry over something someone else has done...but I'm not quick to call them out on it. instead I stay angry over something petty.
I need to learn to forgive everyone-no matter how big the offense against me. because God forgave us for soooooooooooo much more. how could we even think of not forgiving someone else?
sometimes im completely shocked at how wordly we have become. we have become lazy, comfortable people. we may spend time with god and talk about god...but I feel like so often we overlook things that long ago would have been considered absolutely horrible. i feel that as time is going on were becoming numb to it all. losing touch with what christ looks like and how that looks in our lives. i feel like we look at some sins as not that big a deal when to God each sin is as big as the next. i feel like we are often forgetting the most important command of all-love your neighbor as yourself.
I think so often we dont love people like we should.
We need to remind ourselves that this time here on earth-its just a tiny little fraction of the time we can spend either in heaven or hell. so lets do the best we can here. lets love with all we have and not be afraid of what others think of us. lets forgive quickly. serve god. and make our biggest goal in life to be like Christ. not to get that great job or that new car or the big house-none of that is really up to us. we could be gone tomorrow. instead, we should be striving to be like christ with everything we have. it should be our number one priority. whats going to please god more-having a huge house, a nice car and a ton of money or having spent your life trying to be like him and to serve him?
It's crazy...when I was younger forgiveness was so simple.
Now its at times difficult and complex.
I'm learning the importance of forgiveness, especially in those difficult situations. I am still trying to forgive some people for things that happened directly and indirectly to me years ago. The fact that these people hurt my family as well as myself makes it that much harder to forgive them. But its all the more important to forgive them because by not forgiving them I become bitter. I've been denying/avoiding it for some time now but its time to stop.
Confrontation has never been one of my strong points. its probably one of my weakest points actually.
For brothers and sisters in Christ I think it should be more common to confront each other. to call each other out on sin. to hold each other accountable. instead of getting offended when others call us out on this i think we should be thankful. thankful that we have people who care enough to want the best for us. people who help us to strive to be more like Christ.
I also have some major issues with my temper.
I'm quick to yell at another driver on the road who does something i don't like.
I'm quick to become angry over something someone else has done...but I'm not quick to call them out on it. instead I stay angry over something petty.
I need to learn to forgive everyone-no matter how big the offense against me. because God forgave us for soooooooooooo much more. how could we even think of not forgiving someone else?
sometimes im completely shocked at how wordly we have become. we have become lazy, comfortable people. we may spend time with god and talk about god...but I feel like so often we overlook things that long ago would have been considered absolutely horrible. i feel that as time is going on were becoming numb to it all. losing touch with what christ looks like and how that looks in our lives. i feel like we look at some sins as not that big a deal when to God each sin is as big as the next. i feel like we are often forgetting the most important command of all-love your neighbor as yourself.
I think so often we dont love people like we should.
We need to remind ourselves that this time here on earth-its just a tiny little fraction of the time we can spend either in heaven or hell. so lets do the best we can here. lets love with all we have and not be afraid of what others think of us. lets forgive quickly. serve god. and make our biggest goal in life to be like Christ. not to get that great job or that new car or the big house-none of that is really up to us. we could be gone tomorrow. instead, we should be striving to be like christ with everything we have. it should be our number one priority. whats going to please god more-having a huge house, a nice car and a ton of money or having spent your life trying to be like him and to serve him?
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Silence
I was gone for the past week counseling at a camp called silver birch ranch. it was an amazing week. God spoke to me in so many ways at that camp, and helped remind me of a lot of things. It feels great to be back on the right track.
One lesson i was reminded of was the importance of silence. I had many opportunities while i was there to have silent times alone with God and he really spoke to me. I had forgotten about how important it was to have that time...to give God the chance to speak to you. as I explained to my girls when we were discussing silence....its not something thats easy at first. its a learned skill. it takes time, practice, patience, and determination. but in the end its totally worth it. I explained how silence is important because its giving God a chance to speak to us. its as important to listen to Gods voice as it is to speak to him. just like any other relationship-its a two way street. you cant have a truly good relationship with only one person speaking, it has to go both ways. I think its sad how the importance of silence is not talked about enough. So often we hear about the importance and power of prayer but silence is equally powerful and important to our relationship with God.
So I'm trying to remember to spend more time being silent with God and letting the relationship be two sided, instead of doing all the talking.
One lesson i was reminded of was the importance of silence. I had many opportunities while i was there to have silent times alone with God and he really spoke to me. I had forgotten about how important it was to have that time...to give God the chance to speak to you. as I explained to my girls when we were discussing silence....its not something thats easy at first. its a learned skill. it takes time, practice, patience, and determination. but in the end its totally worth it. I explained how silence is important because its giving God a chance to speak to us. its as important to listen to Gods voice as it is to speak to him. just like any other relationship-its a two way street. you cant have a truly good relationship with only one person speaking, it has to go both ways. I think its sad how the importance of silence is not talked about enough. So often we hear about the importance and power of prayer but silence is equally powerful and important to our relationship with God.
So I'm trying to remember to spend more time being silent with God and letting the relationship be two sided, instead of doing all the talking.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
pray without ceasing. give thanks in all things.
theres been a lot happening lately. things had calmed down for a week or two there, but not anymore.
i found out yesterday that my grandpa lost his car, and also got lost somewhere near st Louis. this isnt the first time hes gotten lost. it probably wont be the last unfortunately. he has Alzheimer's.
i never realized how hard it would be to deal with. I never realized how hard it would be to see him go through this. i never understood the seriousness of the disease. its so hard to watch someone i love deteriorate like this. he is the last person i ever would have expected this to happen to. hes always been so smart. hes used his brain a lot. hes always been active.
it makes me want to spend more time with him, but it also makes it harder to spend time with him. when were together, its so painful to see the signs of the disease and how its effecting him. you used to be able to see the frustration and determination in his features when he forgot something. now it seems more like sadness. almost like hes just giving up. its incredibly hard to see. and its hard to think about the fact that he is getting older. I have only lost one person i was really close to, and that was 10 years ago. it was one of the hardest things i remember. but i dont know how to deal with this. its hard to cope with this. i tend to automatically shy away from emotional pain. to shut down when around it. to ignore it. but this cant be ignored. i need to learn to deal with it and spend time with him while i still have the chance.
but God is truly watching over my grandpa.
on his way to wherever he was going, he stopped at a gas station and ran into his granddaughter (my cousin). they had dinner together. that gives us a good idea of what time he got lost.
a couple people called the police when they saw him wandering around the next day.
what made them call? I'm not sure. but im extremely grateful.
he wasnt mugged or anything
he actually got lost in a good area.
the police picked him up and he stayed in a hotel with their chaplin overnight.
ends up he was in a town that several people we know live in.
they were eventually able to find his car, when my aunt and uncle went to get him. im so glad hes ok. but all of these things...just lead me to see God is watching over him. listening to my prayers. answering my prayers.
at first i just didnt think about it. thought of it all as coincidence.
but when i did, it became so obvious to me why these things happened. it was all God. i need to learn to trust more, because this just makes it even more clear that He is ALWAYS there for me.
1 Thessalonians 5:17-18
17Pray without ceasing. 18In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.
i found out yesterday that my grandpa lost his car, and also got lost somewhere near st Louis. this isnt the first time hes gotten lost. it probably wont be the last unfortunately. he has Alzheimer's.
i never realized how hard it would be to deal with. I never realized how hard it would be to see him go through this. i never understood the seriousness of the disease. its so hard to watch someone i love deteriorate like this. he is the last person i ever would have expected this to happen to. hes always been so smart. hes used his brain a lot. hes always been active.
it makes me want to spend more time with him, but it also makes it harder to spend time with him. when were together, its so painful to see the signs of the disease and how its effecting him. you used to be able to see the frustration and determination in his features when he forgot something. now it seems more like sadness. almost like hes just giving up. its incredibly hard to see. and its hard to think about the fact that he is getting older. I have only lost one person i was really close to, and that was 10 years ago. it was one of the hardest things i remember. but i dont know how to deal with this. its hard to cope with this. i tend to automatically shy away from emotional pain. to shut down when around it. to ignore it. but this cant be ignored. i need to learn to deal with it and spend time with him while i still have the chance.
but God is truly watching over my grandpa.
on his way to wherever he was going, he stopped at a gas station and ran into his granddaughter (my cousin). they had dinner together. that gives us a good idea of what time he got lost.
a couple people called the police when they saw him wandering around the next day.
what made them call? I'm not sure. but im extremely grateful.
he wasnt mugged or anything
he actually got lost in a good area.
the police picked him up and he stayed in a hotel with their chaplin overnight.
ends up he was in a town that several people we know live in.
they were eventually able to find his car, when my aunt and uncle went to get him. im so glad hes ok. but all of these things...just lead me to see God is watching over him. listening to my prayers. answering my prayers.
at first i just didnt think about it. thought of it all as coincidence.
but when i did, it became so obvious to me why these things happened. it was all God. i need to learn to trust more, because this just makes it even more clear that He is ALWAYS there for me.
1 Thessalonians 5:17-18
17Pray without ceasing. 18In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Time
So the other day, when I was going through my usual routine of rushing around like crazy to get somewhere, I started thinking about how I spend my time. I know I don't give God the time he deserves. I say I'm really busy, but I'm never too busy for God. Its so easy to be in a rush and to tell myself I'll spend time with God later, even knowing it most likely wont happen. I have time to hang out with my friends, and to get on the computer, and watch tv, so obviously my schedule isn't too busy for God. So how can I possibly go days without spending time with God? I need to be more careful how I spend my time. God deserves the best of my time, not just the tiny little 5 minutes that I manage to fit into my day. Its not enough. And I know once I'm in the word, and I'm spending time having a relationship with God, thats when things in my life get easier. because i have someone to depend on, someone to listen to me, and someone to take care of me at all hours of the day, who will never let me down. plus when I spend time with God I come out feeling refreshed, and with a better attitude. I tend to let worry and stress get in the way of my spending time with God, when really it should be causing me to spend more time with Him. what better way to de-stress then to lay it all down, and let someone who knows whats best for me, and who loves me unconditionally take control. The only way I'm gonna be able to do that is by having a good relationship with Him, and the best way to do that is through quality time.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Trust, yet again. and Judging.
I came to the conclusion a while back, that Basically, no one can be trusted. Human wise that is...because humans make mistakes. were not perfect, and pretty much EVERYONE will let you down at one point or another. But thats hard to move past...when someone breaks your trust, how are you supposed to get it back? how are you supposed to learn to trust them again? How much should you trust someone in the first place? if you know they're going to let you down, wouldn't it be easier to just not trust in the first place? But then, you would never have a good relationship, because in my opinion, Trust should be the foundation of a relationship. how else do you get close to someone? it cant happen without trust, because you would never tell them anything that really matters in your life. they would be a casual friend, nothing more. So I guess what it really comes down to, is that you have to choose who is worth taking the risk.
Theres so many topics I would like to teach people my experiences in. Maybe I should be a teacher, or a writer, or a counselor, or some kind of youth leader. I have yet to figure it out.
Another thing I have learned a lot about is judging. judging others is so easy to do. its a normal thing in society. not to me. your initial judgment, i have recently learned, is almost always wrong. You have to get to know people for who they really are. People judge me wrongly VERY often. and in the past, I've done it more times then I can count. but the past couple years I've been learning that you have to try really hard to not judge others, or believe everything everyone tells you about someone. I've learned, that if theres something I've heard about someone that really bugs me, then I need to go straight to them, and find out for myself if its true.
Leaving off with my favorite Psalm. this has helped me get through some really hard times.
Theres so many topics I would like to teach people my experiences in. Maybe I should be a teacher, or a writer, or a counselor, or some kind of youth leader. I have yet to figure it out.
Another thing I have learned a lot about is judging. judging others is so easy to do. its a normal thing in society. not to me. your initial judgment, i have recently learned, is almost always wrong. You have to get to know people for who they really are. People judge me wrongly VERY often. and in the past, I've done it more times then I can count. but the past couple years I've been learning that you have to try really hard to not judge others, or believe everything everyone tells you about someone. I've learned, that if theres something I've heard about someone that really bugs me, then I need to go straight to them, and find out for myself if its true.
Leaving off with my favorite Psalm. this has helped me get through some really hard times.
Psalm 130
A song of ascents.
1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD; 2 O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.
3 If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.
5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
6 My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.
7 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
8 He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Trust
So another issue i seem to have is trust. I'm either too easy to trust someone, or I don't trust as easily as I should. I had a moment earlier tonight when i was thinking and I realized that I'm starting to trust people at bethel. I'm being less skeptical and guarded about everything. and then today, I just had this moment, where I thought, now that I'm letting that happen, what happens if we go through the same stuff we did at our old church? or similar stuff? it could so easily happen, and honestly, i don't think i could handle it very well. I'm still getting over what happened at my old church, and its been over a year. theres still constant reminders of what we went through, it still feels so unresolved. and its just hard to get over someone that you've trusted for your entire life breaking that trust.
anyways, that one moment just totally scared me...i so don't want to go through that again...i don't want to see my family go through that again. I'm happy right now, I'm getting involved. And its such a hard thing to go through. I'm trying really hard not to let this effect my experience at bethel. I want to have a home church again. It's just hard to learn to trust again.
James 1: 2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
anyways, that one moment just totally scared me...i so don't want to go through that again...i don't want to see my family go through that again. I'm happy right now, I'm getting involved. And its such a hard thing to go through. I'm trying really hard not to let this effect my experience at bethel. I want to have a home church again. It's just hard to learn to trust again.
James 1: 2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Stress
Stress. If theres one thing that I have always let get to me, its stress. well that and my temper, but thats another story. Anyways, this week has been filled with some major stress issues. i have the tendency to stress over things that don't need to be stressed over. I also have the tendency to ignore things that shouldn't be ignored until everything just piles up, and thats never pretty.
This week, I found out my aunt is going to have surgery. We thought she had cervical cancer, but it ended up being something else, that while not cancer, is still serious. Then on Friday I went to the dentist for the first time in a few years....that was when everything just kind of hit the fan. I have only had one tooth thats been bothering me, so i figured I had a cavity or two. I have 9. I was completely shocked, and on top of that it sounds like some of them are so bad that theres a chance i wont just need fillings in them, but possibly root canals. And it ends up that half of this is very possibly my old dentists fault, which is just frustrating. so then i start freaking out about how much this will cost. and when we got home from the dentist, there was a letter in the mail from the hospital telling us that they formed my insurance claim for my ER visit, and telling me how much the total cost added up to. WOAH. and we have yet to figure out how much insurance will cover. then i start freaking out about how close the wedding shower is, and how close the sats are, and how i need to sign up for the ged, and finish high school, and about a billion other things. and then, after freaking out for a while, i realized i was worrying for nothing. I have to start remembering who's really in control. It's funny how those memory verses from pioneer clubs, jam, and vbs stick with me. the ones that at the time were nothing more then a free candy bar, or extra points for my team or whatever, come back to me whenever I need them the most. in the middle of my minor breakdown, this verse came to me, along with the commonly heard phrase "God will never give you more then you can handle"
Phil 4:13 "I can do everything through him who gives me strength"
It may not be true that God will never give you more then you can handle on your own, but he doesn't ever give us more then we can handle with his help.
This week, I found out my aunt is going to have surgery. We thought she had cervical cancer, but it ended up being something else, that while not cancer, is still serious. Then on Friday I went to the dentist for the first time in a few years....that was when everything just kind of hit the fan. I have only had one tooth thats been bothering me, so i figured I had a cavity or two. I have 9. I was completely shocked, and on top of that it sounds like some of them are so bad that theres a chance i wont just need fillings in them, but possibly root canals. And it ends up that half of this is very possibly my old dentists fault, which is just frustrating. so then i start freaking out about how much this will cost. and when we got home from the dentist, there was a letter in the mail from the hospital telling us that they formed my insurance claim for my ER visit, and telling me how much the total cost added up to. WOAH. and we have yet to figure out how much insurance will cover. then i start freaking out about how close the wedding shower is, and how close the sats are, and how i need to sign up for the ged, and finish high school, and about a billion other things. and then, after freaking out for a while, i realized i was worrying for nothing. I have to start remembering who's really in control. It's funny how those memory verses from pioneer clubs, jam, and vbs stick with me. the ones that at the time were nothing more then a free candy bar, or extra points for my team or whatever, come back to me whenever I need them the most. in the middle of my minor breakdown, this verse came to me, along with the commonly heard phrase "God will never give you more then you can handle"
Phil 4:13 "I can do everything through him who gives me strength"
It may not be true that God will never give you more then you can handle on your own, but he doesn't ever give us more then we can handle with his help.
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